Is the vision we create real?
So it’s been a while since I’ve written anything, and it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date and even longer since I’ve had sex! And why? Well I came to realise that I needed to take a step back and figure out what is is that I wanted. I wanted to focus on my faith, myself and my career.
As we grow up we are fed these stories and images that lead is to idolise marriage and a relationship, so it comes to no surprise that the one thing I’ve always know is that I wanted is to get married. I’ve always wanted to be a wife and to have a family, to feel needed & loved, but also protected and cared for. To me marriage is the pinnacle point of your love story, it’s knowing that your partner has undying love for you, that you never want to be with out them. Marriage says to me “I love you and I want to prove my love to you by giving me self to you.” To me it isn’t just a piece of paper (but i’ll go into this another day.)
Although I have other goals in my life finding that someone special that I can share my life and love with has always been at the top. There’s certain things in my life that has led to this, led me to knowing what it is that I am after but now that I am dating again, I wonder are my standards to high?
When you take the time to be on your own, you tend to daydream; you dream about the type of person you want to meet, the type of dates you want to go on, what it will be like when you first sleep together but what about if, or when matter of fact, none of it goes accordingly?
I know what I want because of what I have had, because of what I see other people have and the way I have felt when I have had a sample. I crave a man that makes me feel protected, that no harm can come to me, to know that some has always got my back. There been a time in my life where as I sat in the arms of the man I was dating I felt so safe and wanted, in that moment, feeling that feeling, I knew it was one I didn’t ever want to go without (when I meet the one.)
Dating has taught me that I want a man that knows what he’s doing, he has his head screwed on and is going somewhere in life. I’ve always wanted a man that was tall (that the feeling of protection) as well as him being Caribbean and with a big family. I imagined that I’d end up with a Caribbean man because that is half of my heritage, but it’s the side of me that I don’t explore all that deeply as I’m not heavily involved in that side of my family. Dating a Caribbean man was important because when ever I find myself around Caribbean culture I feel as if a hole in my life has been filled. As for the big family, I’m an only child, that barely sees their aunt and uncle an cousins. I never had a sibling to play with or hundreds of cousins at family gatherings and that was something I’d hope my children got to experience, I see the bond that so many have and hope my children have that.
But what happens when I meet someone who’s not ticking all the boxes, will I reject him… no, but now that I have created the image of a perfect man will I be fulfilled in life when some of the small things are missing?
Being single I began to picture a man that would make the effort to pick me up for dates, surprise me with flowers or a spur of the moment motive, the time line is filled with people pushing the boat out for their partners so is it any wonder the idea is in my mind when I know that it’s something that exists in reality and not just movies.
One of my other issues… Im the silly twat that believes in horoscopes, and the day that I met the guy I was crushing on my horoscope told me I would meet the person of my dreams, so of course I go home wondering maybe it is him, maybe God is answering my prayers. A few days later as we begin to learn more about each other something else comes up in my horoscope this time telling me I need to be willing to compromise to have all that I want, lightbulb in my head flashes as things piece together.
It’s such early days and I’ve enjoyed every minute I’ve got to spend with him but I can’t help but wonder, am I subconsciously forcing something to happen? I’ve prayed to find someone and now I have, someone I really like and I think likes me too. I said wanted to focus on my faith and I feel since I’ve been doing that more and more good things have been happening in my life, so maybe this is another one of those. It’s way to early to talk about our future together but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk about what we see in our futures… what if he is the perfect man and we could have the perfect life but what if i’ve created an unrealistic image that can’t be lived up to?